The first time I heard the word FOMO I couldn’t help but giggle. How in the world could this honestly be a word in the English language!? It just sounded so silly, quirky and possibly even dirty! I just couldn’t take myself seriously saying such a crazy word!

 

Even though the acronym FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is an awkward word to say, I truly believe it is a real fear, one I experience often and most of the mom’s and dad’s I know do as well. Parenthood requires a lot from us, there are a lot of actual things that you want to do or places you want to go that cannot physically be done while in this particular season of life.  

 

However, there is a type of FOMO that plagues modern day parents that puts our parenting at risk. I call it false FOMO. I didn’t even really know that I struggled with this version FOMO that it was affecting my parenting until one fateful day back in August during our beach trip when I forgot my sons bathing suit. Because of this mistake my first day of our beach vacation was spent making the 45 min commute to the closest retail store. In order to make the drive more palatable I played one of my favorite podcasts in the background. They talked, I laughed and then a comment hit me straight in the chest:

 

“To be honest, on my most trying days I saw my children as the ones holding my dreams hostage.  But that wasn’t true at all and that FOMO was completely unwarranted.” -Indiana Adams (Coffee and Crumbs Podcast)

 

This is my secret daily struggle.

 

I don’t make a conscious effort to feel this way, but I do. And when I stopped long enough to notice it I realized this struggle was affecting how I parented my children. Let’s be honest, no one (except Jesus) is able to treat someone who they feel is holding them hostage as a gift, and this inability drastically impacts our ability to parent well.

 

Today I’m sharing two ways to know if FOMO is affecting your parenting.

 

Daydreaming About all the “If Only’s” in Your Life

 

Do you ever find yourself sitting around daydreaming about what it would be like if you could only ___(fill in the blank here)_______? If only I could travel around the world, if only I could stay at home with my kids, if only I went back to work, if only my kids were bigger, if only my family could go on that vacation together, if only, if only….. Before you know it you feels like you’ve missed out on something huge and your family is at fault.  

 

But here’s the thing, you didn’t miss out on anything. Because it never happened.  You didn’t miss out on anything.

I know this seems strange because in our minds it did happen, and it feels like a missed opportunity.  It feels like it would make things so much better or because it was awesome for this other person, it would be awesome for you as well. This is a lie. It’s simply living in “the grass is greener on the other side of the fence” mentality and its stealing your joy. Suddenly FOMO is affecting your parenting in big way.  

 

There are real times and real places where we do miss an opportunity and that is sad but for me when I evaluate how often that happens versus how often I have false FOMO, I find that I often I haven’t missed anything, I just feel like I did.

 

Social Media Miss Out

 

Have you ever had to send a last-minute text to let someone now that you can’t make it and you feel really upset? Something like, “Hey, my kid is suddenly running a fever” or “my toddler was up all night and has to nap early today”? And then you find yourself upset at your kids? Not because of the quality time you really wanted to have but because there was there really awesome spot you wanted to pose your kids at for a cute social media post. Or you were finally going to get to snap some pics of you with a really cool place doing that really cool thing then you would have some really awesome pictures to show off to your friends how really cool it was? 

 

Two Ways to Know if FOMO is Affecting Your Parenting

 

Don’t be too quick to answer this one. I know I’m the first to say  “No, I just really wanted us to go out and have fun together as a family and I’m really disappointed that we’re not.” But sometimes when I examine my heart I know deep down that really there is a part of me that wanted that social media post up on my page to show off to others!

 

But when we allow ourselves to be disappointed over our social media account, we are really stealing from our actual lives. FOMO is a real thing. Sometimes we are disappointed that we can’t go and do something, and we really do miss an opportunity we wanted. But allowing ourselves to be upset at the people in our real lives because of a missed photo opportunity is just silly. There is real magic happening around you right now. Scripture tells us that our children are a gift from the Lord, we just have to stop fearing not getting to show it off, to notice it. 

 

I found two ways to combat these two ways that FOMO affects my parenting.

 

Practice the Art of Remembering Well

 

I’m not sure how but we are conditioned in life to feel insecure about ourselves and our family when we see others succeed in a way that we haven’t. We look at their lives, see their victories and success and automatically assume that we have missed an opportunity.  But really, we haven’t. When we take a step back and look at our lives, hopefully we can say, we got to this point because of intentional decisions. We prayed through them and sought wisdom before we made them.

 

We have to remember well that God is still writing our family’s story and he asks us not to fear. To know that he is right there with us, every step of the way. And if we are consulting him, we really have nothing to fear, including FOMO.  

 

Two Ways to Know if FOMO is Affecting Your Parenting

 

Celebrate Other’s Victories

 

If seeing other’s victories makes us feel insecure this makes it really hard to celebrate their success and be happy with my own life and our own parenting. But if we take time to practice the art of celebrating others well, we will find that we are no longer using others lives as a measuring stick for what could have been or what should have been in our lives. Rather we find a space full of excitement for others and peace and joy for the life we have been given.

 

Can you see the ways FOMO is affecting your Parenting?

 

My challenge to you today is to recognize  when FOMO is affecting your parenting and you are allowing it to steal your joy.  Find ways to combat it. Take time to look around at the magic happening around you. It may look different than the “grass is greener on the other side” scenario you had in your head, but it is still there. Take time to remember why you are where you are today and how God is shaping your families story. Celebrate others well. Learn to love them for where they are at without using it as a yard stick. Your kids will thank you. They don’t want to be seen as the people holding your dreams captive, because they aren’t. They need you to cultivate their heart in the middle of your hustle and you can’t do that if you can’t see them as a gift. 

 

Take a look around and really examine your heart, is FOMO affecting your parenting? 

 

 

Schooooooools out for summer!!!!!!

I can’t help but have the rock and roll anthem play in my head as I navigate the last few weeks before we dive into all things summer! Endless hours in the sun, catching lightening bugs, spur of the moment ice cream runs, and cook outs in the back yard! Summer is one of the most exciting and fun parts of the year for our family. It brings a reprieve from the relentless everyday grind and more time to spend with each other. But do you know what it also brings? Constant sibling conflict!

With lots of extra time to spend together as a family, also comes lots of together time for my son and daughter that often results in screaming, bickering and lots of conflict. Nothing pierces the air more than my daughter screaming “stop” at the top of her lungs or my son’s constant drum of “she’s not playing fair”.

Sound familiar?

In anticipation of this onslaught, I decided to make a change!  

There is nothing I can do about the amount of time that they would spend together or but I could research ways to reduce sibling conflict and increase the peace. I don’t have any real goals of making it disappear altogether. I think that’s probably too lofty a goal, but I do want to get through the summer without pulling all my hair out. So I dove into subject of sibling conflict and surfaced with the some knowledge I couldn’t wait to share!

Though sibling conflict can occur more often in the summer this gem of information can be used at any time or any season of the year. Even right in the middle of your busy!

In help reduce sibling conflict and increase love among our children we can dive deep with them into a biblical example of sibling conflict and help them understand that sin has no sliding scale.

Sin Has No Sliding Scale: Parable of the Lost Son

Most of us know the parable of the lost son. A wealthy father has two sons. One son asks for his inheritance early and goes off to spend it all very unwisely. After near starvation and in a state of destitution the son returns to his father. Upon seeing that his lost son has returned the Father prepares a feast and celebration. The father’s other son, who had not left and not spent his inheritance unwisely, is furious and reproaches the father for celebrating a child who betrayed him. The Father then warmly explains that everything he has is for the son who did not leave but it was fitting to celebrate the son that was lost.

Most of the time we read this parable and focus on the lost son and the hard lessons he learned. But if we want to reduce sibling conflict we actually need to take a closer look at the father in this story and his solution to the conflict between his sons.

When we examine the parable closely we can see that these two young men are outwardly very different from one another. One of them makes wise choices in their life, the other does not. In today’s society we would say that one son made his parent proud, the other would likely be the center of gossip. It’s really easy to understand why the son who made wise choices becomes infuriated when his rule breaking brother is celebrated. Breaking the rules is bad and it should not be celebrated.

But what does the father in this story see that his son’s do not? He sees that though his sons are outwardly very different, inwardly they are the same. Sinful. His wayward son is sinful for his disobedience and wrong choices. His other son is sinful in his pride in his right choices and jealousy over his brother’s celebration.

He helps his son to understand that sin has no sliding scale. Not one sin is better or worse than the other.  The weight of all sin is death.  Being with prostitutes is no worse than pride. Our morality really wants to tell us that that’s not true. But scripture states that all have fallen short of the glory of God.

Sibling Conflict

In order to reduce sibling conflict we must help our children move away from a morality point of view. Screaming at your sister for cheating is just as sinful as cheating itself. Pushing your brother because he wouldn’t obey the rules is just as bad as not obeying the rules. Sin is sin. And Jesus died for it all. We must show each other the love of Christ because not one of us is better than the other.

In the middle of the busy, its really hard to not default to the idea that one sin is worse than the other. But if we really want to decrease sibling conflict we must help them and ourselves remember that sin has no sliding scale. Just like the father in the parable of the lost son we must be able to look past the outward appearance and see the heart within. We are all sinful, christ died for it all and we must show love to others because we desperately need that love as well.

Blaze a new trail and parent well in the middle of busy!

 

 

 

It was Friday night…

We were having a family over for a cook out. We love to host and do so almost every Friday night, but on this particular day I knew my son would need some coaching. One of the children coming to play was older and my son always seemed to find himself in trouble when they played together. My husband and I had been working on coaching him to lead rather than just follow. So in the brief moments we had as we drove home from his weekly ninja class at the gym up the street to our home for the cook out, I prepped him: “You’re going to have to step up and lead. You can’t let your friend convince you do things that aren’t kind, polite, or respectful to others.” I coached.

Do you know what happened that night?

He was a follower and he got into trouble.

After the festivities were over and I was helping him clean his room, we talked about the evening and how he found himself in trouble yet again. During our conversation he said one thing that I struck me hard. “Mom, I tried. I tried to be good, but I just couldn’t.”

In that moment my heart broke for him. In that moment I heard myself standing before my heavenly parent saying the same thing. “I tried. I really did. But it just didn’t work.” I feel the sting of failure every day of my life. Do you know how God responds to me when I come to him in those moments? He repeats his law of love to me.

It goes something like this:

You are not innately good and you should not tell yourself you are or that you can be. The only thing that counts before Me is belief that My Son died for you and after that responding in love for Me and to each other. That love alone can transform you.

In the middle of the daily busy we want to make sure we handing our children the gospel and not morality. Morality says “be good for goodness sake”. The gospel says “You aren’t good. Only God is good and the only good that can come out of you is a response to My goodness for you.” I told my son to be “kind, polite and respectful”, in other words, “be good”. The one thing I asked him to do was the one thing he can’t. But, you can learn from my mistake. There is something else we can ask instead. 

 

be good

 

Learn from my mistake.

When you are overwhelmed and busy use this guide for what to say to your child instead of “be good”; It is broken down by age group, first toddler/preschooler age children , then elementary age children, and finally what to say to your middle/high school age children.

 

You can access the What to Say Instead of “Be Good’” printable cheat sheet in the Free Resource Library! You can sign up at the bottom of this post or click here! 

 

Toddler or Preschool Age Children

In my opinion this is the hardest age to address the concept of sin. We are still in middle of what my mentor likes to call “the trenches of obedience training.” Toddler and preschool age children have a very limited vocabulary and understanding of the world around them. It’s important to note that children don’t even have an awareness of themselves as a person (that he or she is the same as the humans around them) till 18 months- 2 years old. As a parent of a 2 year old we use words like “no”, “stop”, “don’t” because these are simple words they can understand. The trick is to use simple words in the moment that we recognize the sin to help them start to understand God’s love for them. This could sound something like:

“We all have icky in our heart. But we have to know that God loves us and He wants us to love others.”

Elementary Age Children

Alright, so they have grown a bit and simultaneously become easier to communicate with and harder to talk to at the same time! They understand quite a bit about the world around them and because of this they have started to form opinions about the world. Often these opinions are loudly expressed as they are still learning emotional intelligence and how to express what they feel in an appropriate way. We can use a much more complicated vocabulary with them to help show them the sin in their hearts. This can sound something like:

“Remember, you are loved by an amazing God and the most important thing in our life is to always remember His love and show it to others.”

 

Middle and High School Age Children

Oh where have your babies gone? Hopefully, now you find yourself having full on conversations with your children. They have the ability to understand things you say without you having to simplify your vocabulary. Most of the time they have to ability to see the sin within their heart without your helping them come into contact with it. You have entered a true season of being more of a coach than a guide. Often children at this age want as few words as possible when you are guiding them. They feel like they’ve “got it” and often don’t need/want your help. So before they step out the door to their oh so busy and overwhelmed lives instead of saying “ be good”, simply say:

“Remember the law of love”

They may roll their eyes. They may act like they don’t care or they might ignore you. But have faith that God is planting seeds and you are handing them the gospel!

Giving our Children the Gospel, Not Morality

Being busy and overwhelmed we often default to statements like “be good” or “be polite, kind and respectful.” They are simple short and easy to remember. But this is teaching our kids morality. To be good for goodness sake. When we should be teaching them the gospel. That while we were still sinners Christ died for us. We can’t be good, but he loves us anyway and that is what what can transform us. Learn from my hard lesson. Learn what to say instead of “be good”.

Let’s parent well in them middle of busy! 

 

P.S. 

If we haven’t met yet… hi, I’m Emily! Thank you so much for reading. I hope you found this helpful in the middle of your busy life. My goal is always to help encourage, inspire and equip you to cultivate your child’s heart in the middle of your daily hussle. Know my door (my inbox, rather) is always open if there is something you think I can help with! I’m on this busy parenting journey too! Also, if you know someone else that could gain something by reading this article, please feel free to share it with them .  

Blessings,
Emily 

 

 

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Train Good Habits | Habit Training | Tips for Habit Training| Good Habits | Parenting Tips| Parenting Hacks

 

 

 

Before we begin, a disclaimer: 

The processes of habit training explained below was gained from author James Clear in his incredible book Atomic Habits. If you are looking for a book on habits, his is one of the best I have ever read. It is not my intention to make it seem as though I developed these processes. My goal is simply to take the processes he outlined and apply them specifically to modern parenting with a Christ centered worldview, in order that you might find some practical strategies to apply in the small moments you have.

 

 

 

 

Do wish your day could be more productive?

 

 

Do you find yourself doing the same things over and over? Tripping over shoes, putting toys or electronics where they belong, hanging back packs or coats left in entryway… don’t you wish there was a way to get your kids to help you so you didn’t waste your time doing it over and over?

 

 

 

 

What if there was a way to get your son to hang up his coat and backpack when he came in the door? What if there was a way to get your daughter to put her shoes away when she came in from playing? What if the toys or electronics got picked up and put away where they belonged?

Most parents think they are just too busy and overwhelmed with all the other things in life to be able to train better habits in their kids. Most of the time they think they just don’t have the time to put in the work that is needed and that it just wouldn’t be worth the hassle it would take to get their kids on board.

But it might not be as difficult as you believe and it may be more worth it than you think. Habits are small actions or processes we do every day without thinking about them and ultimately these small actions can lead up to big rewards. The goal if we were to put it in modern scientific terms would be to automate as many processes as possible within our children (Note: our children are not robots. Automate is a modern way of saying we want them to be able to do things without having to put a lot of mental effort into it) so that our time and effort is used to its ultimate capacity.Train Good Habits | Habit Training | Tips for Habit Training| Good Habits | Parenting Tips| Parenting Hacks

 

 

The Can’s and Cannot’s of Habit Training

Think about all the processes you automate during the day to free up your time? Your paychecks are automatically put into your bank account. Your electricity bill or mortgage is automatically paid each month. Your favorite stores automatically send you coupons straight to your inbox. How much time and effort does this save you? In the same way, habit training can save you time and effort, making your life much more productive and in turn more peaceful. It can also help us reach that ultimate goal of “I want to make sure the things I’m doing are doing more good than harm to my kids.” For example it can help us to stop yelling “Put your shoes away.” in absolute frustration when we trip over them for the fifteenth time. Or ease the stress of trying to get out the door in the morning like in the example I talked about in “How to Parent Without Losing it in the Middle of Busy”. It can also build good character traits such as tidiness, obedience, truthfulness and being more attentive in our children. We want all of things things for our kids.

However sometimes when we think of good habits the picture we see in our minds is a good boy or girl that does as he/she is taught and trained so that they ultimately reach greatness. If we put enough good habits in, we will get good kids out that ultimately grow into good adults. But it is critical to remember two things: 1) It is not our job as parents to create good kids or make them do what is right. I talked about this when I wrote How to Rid yourself of Parental Doubt and Parent with Confidence 2) Just like us our children are affected by sin and the fall. What habit training cannot do is make your child good. It cannot guarantee your child’s salvation or even his/her success. If we try to use habit training to solve these problems we are setting ourselves and our children up for failure. We will only find ourselves frustrated saying things like “I did everything right, what happened?” But it is impossible for us to create good kids that ultimately become good adults. Only the grace of God can solve these problems for us.

Though God’s grace is immeasurable and can do with our children far beyond what we could ever imagine, I do believe we are given a certain amount of stewardship over our children’s lives and we can spare them a lot of struggle in the future and ourselves a lot of unneeded stress if we implement habit training. So with out further ado I present the best process for training good habits in your children in the middle of your busy.

 

The best way to train a new habit is to follow these four steps: first, must make the habit obvious, second, make the habit attractive, third, make the habit easy, fourth, make completing the habit satisfying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Train A Good Habit Step 1: Make It Obvious

The first thing that you want to to train a good habit is to make sure your child is aware that they have a bad habit. This might seem overly simple but don’t skip it. Just because you are aware that it’s a bad habit and it drives you crazy, doesn’t mean your children see the same thing.

Then you need talk with them about the specific time and place you want them to complete the good habit. For example: “Every time you come in from outside, I want you to take your shoes off and put them away in the drawer.”

After you clarify the exact time and place you should design their environment so that its completely obvious what they need to do. Have you ever been in a preschool or kindergarten classroom where they have pictures of all the toys on shelves where they are supposed to go? This is a great example of designing the environment. Now, as a busy parent I know you don’t have time to go through and put picture labels on everything! But, we can make sure the basket/drawer/bin for shoes is placed in a completely obvious location near where they come from outside. The idea is to creat a cue for the habit. When they see the basket/bin/drawer it automatically signals a cue in their mind that says “Hey, this is where your shoes need to go.”

(Just a note: if you tell your child to put their shoes away, science shows that you are actually inhibiting child’s brain from creating the pathway of a habit. You are better off sweetly calling them over, letting them see the cue, and doing the process on their own than using your brain (aka your voice) to stimulate the habit.)Train Good Habits | Habit Training | Tips for Habit Training| Good Habits | Parenting Tips| Parenting Hacks

 

 

 

 

Train a Good Habit Step 2: Make it Attractive

The second thing you want to train a good habit is to make it as attractive as possible. This is likely to be one of the most challenging parts of habit training. Most of the time the habit that you are training has either long term pay off or is more beneficial for others than ourselves so the reward for them is not as obvious.

In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear suggests using a method called temptation bundling to help with this. The general idea is to pair something you really want to do with something you need to do. So for the example of getting your child to put their shoes away it would could go something like this: “After you put your shoes away, feel free to grab yourself a snack.” The snack is something they want that can tempt them to do the action that is less attractive like putting their shoes away.

Another way of making the habit look more attractive is to make sure you are doing the habit yourself. Humans are huge imitators of their environment. A great example of this is the cultural tradition in Thailand of taking your shoes off before entering a home. It is considered extremely rude to wear shoes in any home. So at a gathering of people you will always see tons of flip flops and sandals piled outside the doorway. If you saw everyone else around you taking off their shoes wouldn’t you take the hint and do it too?

Train a Good Habit Step 4: Make it Easy

The third thing you want to train a good habit is to make it easy. Now, this does not necessarily mean the task itself should be easy. Creating a new habit is never really easy. But as James Clear states in Atomic Habits “The goal is to make the task as easy as possible in a hard moment.” Going back to our example of putting their shoes away….when your child is coming through the door from being outside and their mind is focused on going straight to their snack or toys, this is the hard moment. Remember their mind is on the pathway to snack and your goal of staying tidy is nowhere on their radar! So, you need to make it as easy as possible for them to remove their shoes and put them away. So you prep the designed environment. It could look something like making sure the shoes they wear can easily come on and off. Move the basket/bin/drawer so its extremely visible when they walk in. It can always be moved back a little later once the habit is formed. We want this task to be as easy as possible in the hard moment.

 

Training A Good Habit Step 5: Make it Satisfying

The fourth and final thing you need to do to train a good habit is to make it satisfying. This is probably the part of the processes of habit building that we are most familiar with. The reward at the end. Just like when you potty trained and gave stickers on a chart or a small treat, the idea is still the same. But external treats and charts take a lot of time and effort to both create and stay on top of. And I know you need something that can fit into the small moments you have and not add more to your already full plate. The great thing is that praise in itself is very satisfying. And it doesn’t take much time or effort to recognize them verbally for the great job they have done. You can talk about how much how proud you are of them for their new habit when you seeing them do it. And as we already talked about in the make it attractive section, make sure you use a temptation bundle that is an immediate reward. Once I put my shoes away, I can have my snack.

Another point to remember in making it satisfying is to only praise the good and ignore the bad. Remember that they are building into this habit and its going to take time to get it established. So make sure to focus on the good they are doing and use positive reinforcement to tell their brain “Hey, I liked that. Let’s do that again.”

Putting it All Together

Habit training can have a profound affect on making our lives more productive, peaceful, build good character traits, spare our kids future struggles, and spare ourselves unneeded stress. The best possibly way to train a new habit is to make it obvious, make it attractive, make it easy, and make it satisfying. This process can be used for creating any number of new habits from putting their shoes away to being more attentive in school. And its not nearly as difficult as you think it might be. Small simple changes in your daily busy can make large affects on your daily life. So commit to building one new habit today and see if you find that the work put in is totally worth the habit that comes out of it!

 

 

 

 

 

I created a Free Training Good Habits Template to help you begin your habit training journey access it in your Free Resource Library!

P.S.  A Note from the author 

If we haven’t met yet… hi, I’m Emily! Thank you so much for reading. I hope you found this helpful in the middle of your busy and overwhelmed life. My goal is always to be a friend that walks alongside you as you are busy parenting and walking alongside God. Know my door (my inbox, rather) is always open if there is something you think I can help with! Also, if you know someone else that gain something by reading this article, please feel free to share it with them . 
Blessings,
Emily 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiritual Fruit | Parenting Tips | Christ Centered Parenting | Christian Parenting

All any parent ever really wants is the best that God has for their children.

Right?

I have yet to meet a parent that said, “Yeah, I don’t really want my kid to thrive.” It is so natural as a parent to want the best for our kids. But wanting something is totally different than actually having it.

Let’s take a trip down my memory lane…. 

 In 2015 I had a newborn baby with colic, a high energy toddler and a husband working a full time job plus earning his doctoral degree. Add to the list folding the laundry, feeding the dog, filling the grocery cart (it still counts if it’s a digital one! ), buckling children into the torture device that someone decided to call a car seat, losing my mind over perpetually finding the lost sock (I mean seriously, where in the world do all those socks go?), trying to make that meeting I forgot about till last minute, squeezing myself into some type of adult looking clothing, and actually attempting some sort of relationship with my spouse. In the midst of it all I couldn’t shake the question: “Am I doing more damage to my kids than good?” And the only way for me to be able to answer that question is to notice spiritual fruit in their lives .  

Spiritual Fruit | Parenting Tips | Christ Centered Parenting | Christian Parenting

 

Three ways to notice spiritual fruit in the midst of the busy are: first, “looking medium”, second, listen with intention and third, ask those you trust.

 

But first let’s define spiritual fruit… 

 

Spiritual Fruit: What Does That Even Mean?I know what you are thinking: “What the heck does even really mean?”. I mean, it’s not likely that you’re a farmer (or married to one) and have ever had a crop of fruit. And lets please remember that this has to fit in somewhere in between holding them down to brush their teeth and racing them off to school.

The good news is that even if you aren’t a farmer you can still understand the analogy of the good fruit versus bad fruit. You’ve experienced the pleasure of diving into a nice crunchy apple and have likely seen a rotten banana or two. Spiritual fruit though not actual pieces of fruit can either be full and well rounded or lacking and beginning to decay. Galations 5 gives us a picture of 9 specific attributes to look for:

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

Have you ever experienced someone who exudes true gentleness? I know you have encountered someone lacking in patience (if not feel free to look me up, I lack it all the time!). Ever felt the genuine Love from another person?

Here are at 3 ways took notice spiritual fruit in the midst of your busy.

 “Looking Medium”

When my husband and I got married and we moved in with each other for the first time, he would often come and ask me where an object could be found. Sometimes he couldn’t find the object because it was genuinely misplaced, but more often than not he would ask me where the object could be found without even bothering to look for it first. This is when we developed the “looking rule” in our house.

The “looking rule” states that before you can come and ask someone where an object can be found you must at least look for it first. In fact you couldn’t just look easy (defined as opening up the box/cabinet/drawer where the object should be found), you must look medium ( at least moving things around within the box/cabinet/drawer) before coming to the other person to ask where something might be.

I know that the concept of looking for spiritual fruit seems too simple of a concept to be even mentioned. But the thing is, often we rely on others to find things for us and we forget to stop and even look for ourselves first. Have you been relying on others to notice spiritual fruit in your life and the life of your family?

When you are in the midst of folding laundry, settling arguments, and driving them from place to place, don’t forget to take a second and actually look for the spiritual fruit in their lives. At first you might be tempted to just take a glance but don’t be afraid to move some stuff around and really see what’s there. Are they patient, kind, good or gentle? Are they demonstrating self-control and love? Remember to look medium.

Listen with Intention

Do you have a problem with tuning out your kids? I know I do! We have a talker. And I mean a TALKER!! Once my son and his good friend were riding in the car together and my son was just chatting away when suddenly the other child called his name loudly and said “You talk too much!” I couldn’t help but grin when he responded, “Yeah, I know.” And then just continued on chatting.

Often, I find myself tuning him out and not really listening to what he has to say. I nod my head yes and no. I make general noises in his direction to make it seem like I’m actually paying attention but, I’m not. I have a thousand other thoughts that are running through my head and often the subjects he spouts on and on about, is just a bunch of nonsense. But is it really?

No, not to him at least. He genuinely believes that his life mission is to be a ninja and that I should know the code of honor that he and his imaginary ninja crew developed. And when I stop to listen carefully I can notice the spiritual fruit in his imaginary stories.

You see, kids don’t live in our world. They live in their own. And in their games are the way they are trying on the rules and lessons they are learning in life. When I listen to my sons code of honor I hear him tell me that his men had to agree to always do the right thing (faithfulness), they have to obey every command that their commander gives them, even if they don’t want to (self-control), they have to destroy all the evil bad guys and protect all humankind (kindness).

You see he is growing in spiritual fruit, but it takes a lot of intentional listening to actually notice the spiritual fruit for what it is. And not the childish non-sense that it seems at first glance.

Asking Others

Ever heard the old adage “If in doubt, just ask.”? This rule is so true in this case. If after looking medium and listening with intention you are still not sure if you  notice spiritual fruit, then all you have to do is ask. Ask your friends, your neighbors, your family, or anyone that is close enough and involved enough in your life that can offer feed back on the question “Do you notice Spiritual Fruit in our lives?

But let me throw out a warning before you do this. Don’t do this if you are not willing to accept honest feedback. It might not necessarily be what you want to hear. The answer might sting but accept them with grace and humility. Listen with a heart that says “I really want to move my kids towards the best that God has for them.”

Wanting what’s best for our kids comes naturally. But in the middle of busy, it can be hard to remember to notice spiritual fruit. Let’s take the few moments that it takes to “look medium”,  listen with intention, and ask others. It may sound simple. So simple in fact you may be tempted to skip it all together. But, please don’t. You want to know that you are leading your kids toward the best He has for them. You want to be able to confidently say “ I am doing way more good than harm to my kids.” 

Put Into Practice

I have created a “Noticing Spiritual Fruit Checklist” to help you apply this to your everyday! It’s in your  FREE Resource Library! 

Blaze a new trail and parent well in the middle of busy! 

Spiritual Fruit| Parenting Tips | Christ Centered Parenting | Christian Parenting

 

 

Emily Kastroll

 

If we haven’t met yet… hi, I’m Emily! Thank you so much for reading.  I hope you found this helpful in the middle of your busy.  I just wanted to let you know that I post here once a week but my subscribers receive a bonus article sent directly to their inbox each week! If you are interested in bonus material, sign up below!

Know my door (my inbox, rather) is always open if there is something you think I can help with! Also, if you know someone else that gain something by reading this article, please feel free to share it with them ! I would be honored to be a friend helping them while they parent in the middle of busy!

 

Blessings,

Emily 

 

The Best Way to Parent with Confidence

 

When my oldest was 3.5 I went for a walk around the neighborhood with a friend of mine who was a life stage ahead of me. I had basically texted and begged her to take a walk with me so that I could escape for just a few minutes of sanity. You see, jokingly (but kinda serious) I say I would have sold my son at that point. He was difficult and no matter what I did, it didn’t seem to make a difference.

I loved him so much, but I dreaded being with him because I dreaded disciplining him. I was in survival mode and I had no idea what I was doing. I just didn’t want to damage him anymore than I already had.

I confessed to my friend “ I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t make him do anything right!”.

My very dear friend looked at me and said one thing that I’ll never forget: “Emily, you’re right! You can’t make him do anything but, that isn’t your job.”

What if I told you that your job as a parent is not to make your child do things right? What if I told you that all the doubt you have over discipline is because of a lie you believed? 

The Lies We Believe about Parenting

I know you’re reading this skepticism. You’re thinking: “Of course I have to make them do things right! If not me, than who?” 

If it’s not our job to make our kids do the right thing, then what is our responsibility? What is the secret of  discipline with confidence? Influence their soul.

To be able to discipline with confidence you need to understand your job as the Godly authority in your child’s life; to face them toward God, allow them to encounter the state of their own heart, and cultivate an atmosphere of grace.

Face Them Towards God

The great news about this strategy is that it doesn’t require a lot of time and it will help you parent with confidence. The bad news, it requires a tidal wave of intentionality!

The lie that “it’s our job to make our child do what is right” is so engrained in us that it’s our default mode. I speak from experience as this is a daily struggle in our house. I constantly come up with parenting strategies that will get my children clean up their room, say kind things to their sibling, or take responsibly for their pet. But in the end, that’s not my job.

We have to change our job description from “corrector of wrongs” to “liaison for God and the Holy Spirit”. When we are the “corrector of wrongs” we correspondingly become “director of what is right”. In the short term “director of what is right” might produce the results we want. But in the long term we’re teaching them that the responsibility to choose what is right falls to others. My child is now reliant on others to hold him accountable for his actions, rather than relying on him/herself and the Holy Spirit within them to hold them accountable.

But what happens when they grow older and we can’t be there all the time? Who is going to be the corrector of wrong? Who is going to tell them what is right?

Our job is to demonstrate that they are a child of God who is real and active in our daily life. Our job is teach them that the Holy Spirit lives inside them and He has the power to tell them what is right in this world. Our job is to help them understand that they can do all things through Christ who gives them strength, even when they are tempted or think they can’t. Our job is to teach them that with all of this comes the ability to act on what is right.

I am a child of God.
I ought to listen to the Holy Spirit inside me.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
I will use all of this to choose what is right.

(Here is a free copy of Charlotte Mason’s words to help you apply them daily!) 

Help Them Encounter the State of Their Heart

Remember that our soul is just as much a tangible part of our bodies as our physical being and mind. The Bible states that none of us are free from sin. It is our job to teach our children about the sin they have in their heart. (Note, I said teach them about the sin, not condemn it.) In order to discipline with confidence we have to see our job is to simply bring them into contact with the sin and the feebleness of the human heart and soul.

In the moment when they are choosing to do the wrong thing, its because of sin.  All to often we forget about the heart and soul, instead focusing our aim at altering the exterior behavior. Which overall isn’t necessarily bad however, we are forgoing the long term for the short term reward.

The Best Way to Parent with Confidence

Imagine that you went to the doctor with a rash that appears every time you eat dairy. Instead of telling you that you should eliminate dairy from your diet to treat the problem, the doctor gives you a cream to use every time the rash appears. We are treating the symptom but not the underlying problem. This isn’t the solution to the problem. My job as a Godly authority in my child’s life is to help them see that the dairy (sin in their heart) needs to be eliminated from their diet. Not just keep giving them cream (discipline that alters behavior) to take away the rash when it appears.

When your child lies, has a bad attitude, disobeys or any of the other 42 million terrible choices they will make in their lifetime, they are all sin. And each time you encounter a sin it is your job to first turn them toward God, and then help them encounter the sin in their own heart.

We cannot be so hasty and dull out consequences that only pertain to changing the external behavior. We must make them aware of the underlying problem within their heart and soul: sin. Give it a name and guide them in an atmosphere of grace.

Cultivate an Atmosphere of Grace

Have you ever been to a wedding where there is a lot of soft light and rosy flowers? Or a worship service with quiet music playing during the reflection time?

These elements cultivate an atmosphere. The soft light and rosy flowers at the wedding adds an air of romanticism to the evening. The quiet music in a worship service aide the audience in reflective response to the message given.

In order to discipline with confidence we need to create an atmosphere of grace.  What are elements needed for an atmosphere of grace? Author and pastor Tim Kimmel details this in his book Grace Based Parenting. Here he states there are four very distinct elements every grace based home portrays:

1. Freedom to be different
2. Freedom to be vulnerable
3. Freedom to be candid
4. Freedom to make mistakes

So after you have helped your child understand that there is a living God inside them that can help them choose what is right and they come in contact with the sin that is inside their heart, give them room to be different, vulnerable, candid and to make mistakes.

When your children are presented with these elements it’s so much easier for them to not only recognize their own wrong but also work out how to correct it. How much easier is it for you to admit you were wrong when you feel like its okay to make a mistake. How much easier is it for you to see your own sin when you feel safe to be vulnerable?

It will make it easier for you children too!

What Does It all Mean

If you are reading this and you’ve been pulling your hair out because you just “can’t make him/her do anything right!” Feel liberated in hearing me say, that’s not your job! Your job as their Godly authority is to face them toward God, help them encounter the state of their own heart, and cultivate an atmosphere of grace. Your doubt over disciplining your child is because of a lie. Be set free and parent with confidence as a Godly authority in your child’s life. God never meant for us to take on the role as “director of right”.  All we have to do is influence their soul.